Since there’s nothing on TV these nights, I found myself watching
a PBS special about a trip to the U.S. of A. by the queen back in 2007. Housekeepers
in the posh inn where she would be staying were all in a flutter to show off
how well they had prepared for the royal visit. The bed linens, they gushed,
had been washed FOUR times – this before the regal body had mussed to
sheets. How many times AFTER she slept
on them would they have to be washed? Does the queen think that previous guests
had cooties? One maid proudly showed off the brand new TOILET seat, saying the
she was sure Her Majesty would appreciate that. This caused in my mind a visual
that I really didn’t choose to entertain. DO you think maybe a lackey rushed in
with another new one each tine the queen flushed? Or did a lackey rush in to
flush, too? A new roll of TP?
This whole think started me thinking about the life of a royal
personage. I wondered, for instance, if the queen had ever made a sandwich, or
even knew how. Manly years ago, in the old, original Kent Kapers, I wondered
that sort of thing about our own American queen, Jackie Kennedy. After her
death, I wrote about the things she had probably never done, and I shall now
plagiarize myself and apply the same sort of probing questions about the
British monarch. These are women with the sort of life one may think is full
and rich, but actuality lacks much.
For example, has Liz ever eaten tuna noodle casserole? Much deserved
derision surrounds British cuisine (except for roast beef, of course), but this
tasty and easily prepared staple could add some savor to the land of Spotted Dick
Has she ever fished a child’s toy out of the toilet? Used a
coat hanger to pull matted hair out of a drain? Cleaned up after one of the Corgis had an
accident on the royal Persian rugs? Shopped at a Wal-Mart? Dressed herself? Gone
outside without one of those HATS on? Actually changed a nappy? Washed out her
underwear in the bathroom sink? Bought groceries? Taken out the garbage? Seen garbage? Mopped a floor? Made a
bed? Used a plunger on a stopped up sink?
Let’s face it. The woman has had an incomplete, unrealistic
life. Tiaras and ermine robes may be fun to wear, and being the richest woman
in the world means you can have anything money can buy, including happiness
(who believes not?) but, come on, you’re not really LIVING. You end up
basically incompetent to survive in the modern world, I think.
But it would be nice to have a new toilet seat every time
you sit down in a strange place.
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